centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*