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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION