Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.