You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
This was my dad’s browser history.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.