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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.