Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado