The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot