just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
You Might Also Like
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.