me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering