Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Not today. 😅
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you