It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Poetry is my passion
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Sell your car
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.