I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Clients after you give them your rates
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here