Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
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Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.