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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
The biggest mystery of our time
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions