ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
You Might Also Like
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’m not stressed
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good