What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish