I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
You Might Also Like
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
True.