Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Can. I. Help. You.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever