I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
If you know, you know 😂🚔
i baked you a cake
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!