ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
God has abandoned us.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
A new level of troll.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?