It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08