I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.