I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I’m not lazy
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do