Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If a snake ate a cake
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My dad teaching me to drive
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.