Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper