Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.