It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Customize Your Wedding.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm