Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
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My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…