Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
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They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.