Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.