What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”