Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I’m tired tomorrow.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.