Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I’m not wrong
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂