*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.