this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Ooh I do like a good funnel
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”