Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
This is the best one I’ve seen
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.