[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
You Might Also Like
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work