Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
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I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.