Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
japanese corn
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900