my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?