WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
some things should go without saying
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too