When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
new year update: losing everything but weight
🤣😂
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise