TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Discuss
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?