Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
You Might Also Like
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae