“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips