This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.