She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Catercrombie & Fish
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
house sitting!
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.