Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
You Might Also Like
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.