Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[shakes fist at other fist]
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.