Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.